I had the most stressful and awkward conversation with God this morning. It was like talking to a two year old, except while I wanted to blame Him for being the ornery one, I knew I was really the one throwing the tantrum.
To give a little background to our conversation: My husband’s back went out a week and a half ago and he isn't allowed to lift a finger (doctor's orders). I’m pregnant with our fifth child. Our washing machine broke two weeks ago. We have a massive leak under our house I recently discovered, and our dishwasher has since broken.
Last week I was pretty angry at God and my husband. I thought, surely if my husband had helped me with all of the things he had promised me he would do BEFORE his back went out, I wouldn’t be walking into these challenges already knee-deep in laundry, clutter, dishes, garage sale junk, and exhaustion.
I’ve had little sleep in the last couple of weeks and next to zero help from him with our five hundred children and the mess we call home.
I could barely talk to God last week other than to say, “Holy Spirit, you’re going to have to do all of the work here because I’m angry and unrepentant.” And I fought Him tooth and nail as He tried to work. I have learned some good lessons through it all, and I’m thankful He didn’t give up on me when I had given up on Him.
Now that God and I are back on speaking terms, I’m having to do a lot of repentance and I’m trying to see what He wants from me.
God laid my husband on my heart this morning and as I prayed for him, it felt like I was going in circles. The conversation went something like this:
Me: Father, please heal him.
God: Why?
Me: Because I need him strong.
God: Why does he need to be strong?
Me: Because I NEED him.
God: You have me.
Me: I need physical strength, I need his muscles, I need help, I’m exhausted and worn out.
God: Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Me: I’m tired of being weak. I’m tired of HIM being weak.
God: …
Me: Fine, forget me, heal him so he can do great things for you.
God: My power is made perfect in his weaknesses.
Me: I know. I know. But surely there is some way I can pray for him to be made strong again. Surely his strength can somehow glorify you.
God: I don’t need his strength. I don’t need your strength either.
Me: Then how can I even pray for him?
God: You can pray for his well being because you want what’s best for him. But ultimately…
Me: Ultimately you know what’s best for him.
God: Yes.
Me: So what should I pray?
God: Pray for what is best.
Me: It’s so hard. I don’t want to pray for what is best, for what You know is best, because I’m afraid I can’t handle it.
God: You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength.
Me: I don’t have the strength for that.
God: But Christ does.
Man. It hurt. I really don’t want to pray for God's best, because sometimes He has crazy definitions of what is "best". I’m not quite there yet. But I’m praying the Holy Spirit will change my heart. That our perfect God, who has perfect love, would fill me and I would love my husband in the pure and beautiful way my Father loves him. That I would want what is best for my husband, regardless. Period. That I would want God’s perfect will to be done, even if it meant my husband could never lift another finger to help me. Because if that it is what God were to allow or bring into fruition, then I need to trust that His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts (Isaiah 55:9).
It’s hard to want that.
I’m afraid of that length of time where I’m waiting to see things the way He does. But I know He knows best.
I know, without a doubt, that God is good and His best is better than mine. But sometimes we think differently. And sometimes I look at His best and go “How on earth could that be a good thing?” Usually, he shows me… eventually.
I’m afraid of waiting on the “eventually”. I’m afraid of that length of time where I’m waiting to see things the way He does. But I know He knows best.
He always knows best.
So in the mean time, I’m going to pray for His will to be done, and for Him to change my heart to joyfully seek His will over mine. No matter what.
I’m a work in progress. But I’m so thankful God has chosen to work on me.
Be Blessed.